The Disaster Zone Known As "California"

As of today, the state of California (which has the nation's highest pollution) will be the target of an emergency conservation effort. Currently, the rivers are overflowing with industrial waste, San Francisco has been lost in smog for over a month with no one able to find it, and timber companies are scrambling to cut down the last redwood before it burns down. Today, we will begin putting a big version of one of those sink water filters in every river, sending out a search team for San Francisco, and hanging executives until the forests stop disappearing. Thank you for your attention on this matter!!!