The Eye – Bank CEO becomes Green Green Grass Secretary

In a move critics have described as “putting a fox in charge of a carbon neutral henhouse”, NatWest boss Kate-Mae Peirson has been appointed Environment Secretary despite previously spending most of her career converting rainforests into quarterly growth figures. Peirson said she was honoured to lead Britain into a greener future, sponsored by competitive lending rates. The appointment has confused environmental campaigners, many of whom assumed the Green Party’s strategy involved preventing bankers from touching forests rather than issuing them a ministerial Ford Mondeo and access to the DEFRA wine fridge. Government insiders insist she is perfectly qualified thanks to her experience in “green investment”, a banking phrase generally meaning the same environmentally catastrophic project but with a leaf logo on the brochure and oat milk at the shareholder meeting.