Markets in Meltdown: Global Depression Fears Grow as Fed Rate Hikes Trigger Chaos

Fears of a worldwide economic depression are growing after global profits fell by more than 10%, with critics pointing to aggressive interest rate hikes by nut case US Federal Reserve Chairman Mark O'Rubio. Since taking office, O'Rubio has raised prime rates ten times, sparking panic across global markets. The New York Stock Exchange reported profits down by 10.19%, while London’s FTSE saw a steeper decline of 15.64%. Finance and resource extraction giant Pierce & Pierce claimed hedge fund managers were “calling their wives to withdraw all their savings and stash it under their mattresses.” Germany’s exchange fell by 8.79%, while Japan suffered the worst losses at 25.39%. Business leaders worldwide are now demanding O'Rubio resign, with some jokingly calling on the “Supreme Being” Nicola Sturgeon to take away his rate-hike button before the crisis deepens further.